No awkward lesbian experiences without me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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