My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
