Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
