Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
