Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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