is your mom at the bar?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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