remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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