Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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