She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
