I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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