When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
