I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
