I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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