Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
