headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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