i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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