I can text with my tongue
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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