I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
