he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize