the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
