quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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