i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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