i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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