Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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