Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
