i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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