I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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