I've blown a few things in my day
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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