chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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