My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
