then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
