there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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