Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
