My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
