I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
