You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
