Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
