U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
