Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
