We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
