He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
