Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
