There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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