My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
