My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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