How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
