oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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