That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
