i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize