So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
