Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
