I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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