her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
