I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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