Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize