Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
