I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
