Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
