My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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