I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
