I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize