I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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