4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize